An Open Letter to My Fellow (Male) Co-Workers

Dear Fellow (Male) Co-Workers,

It has come to my attention that there are some problems plaguing our facilities. No doubt you have noticed what I am referring to. Our restrooms are becoming the stuff of nightmares. The MN State Fair doesn’t start until the end of next month and yet we are all being subjected to the fairgoer bathroom.

Some of my British friends call going to the restroom “Splashing your Boots”, please do not take this literally. Even though the soles on my shoes are between me and the outside world I still don’t want to stand in your leavings. Nor do I want the person after me to think I have no aim. May I suggest that if you can’t aim, you try sitting down. I hear it’s all the rage in Europe. I will talk about sitting down a little later.

Also, if you could do me a favor and make sure you flush next time. I do not want to flush for you and have your urine mist spray all around me. Sounds pretty anal, but think about it. That cool breeze you feel when you flush is nothing other than mist. Let’s call it a Mister Misty. I could really do without that.

No one has seen a Bigfoot or a Yeti in the city limits for quite some time. So it strikes me as odd that a couple would take the time out of running through the woods, mountains or posing for blurry photos to come to our floor to use the bathroom. It could happen but, I doubt they have the proper badges to get in. This leads me to my next point.

Hair and A$$ dandruff (I borrowed that one from a friend). After you are done reading your book/newspaper, answering your phone, blogging or dropping the kids off at the pool, I beg you. When you look back to see what you left behind, that you also take a moment to look at the toilet seat and give it a quick wipe. I don’t know what you are doing sitting down without a toilet paper shield, that’s your business, but don’t make it mine by leaving Klingons or Cousin It behind on the seat for me to get to know. I think it’s pretty nasty that one might sit down and get up with a butt moustache.

Simple things these are. As Yoda might say. If you are smart enough to create Struts, business objects and dirty V.O.’s, you can make sure each visit to the restroom is an enjoyable one for everyone.

Just a few more simple things:

• One: DO NOT stand right next to your co-worker if there are more than two stalls and there is enough for an empty stall to divide the both of you.
  

• Two: Same goes for the sit down stalls. Nothing worse than a Crap Crowder if there is an empty to divide the two of you.
  

• Three: Courtesy flush. Thanks
  

• Four: WASH YOUR HANDS!! I would be able to save more trees and stop stretching all my shirts if I felt I could use the doorknob knowing that we all did.
  

Thanks for listening.

There are two things that separate us from the animals, One, we stopped flinging our poo a long time ago and two, we have opposable thumbs. – Rufus D. Pearson Jr.